Children get a lot of mixed messages about healthy relationships and what makes a ‘normal’ family. Fathers and male carers have an important role to play, but may themselves be struggling with stereotypes about ‘being a man’.

Cameron Farshid McDonald is a social worker and a parent. He lives with his partner and two young children in rural New South Wales. He works with people allover Australia to improve respect and equality in family relationships.

He has some simple advice for parents (especially fathers) to build lasting bonds with their kids.

 

Content note: This story includes mention of family violence, sexual assault, homophobia and mental distress.

Thanks Cameron for taking the time to speak with us today.

How would you describe your identity and background?

I’m bi-cultural. I’m Scottish-Iranian-Australian.

My mother is Iranian and I was always very close to her growing up, so I identify very strongly with many aspects of Iranian culture. But I was born and raised in Australia. I always felt like I’ve had the best of both worlds, but also struggled with never quite fitting in.

I think I’m lucky I got my name from my dad and my looks from my mum. I think I’ve experienced a lot less discrimination because my name is ‘Cameron McDonald’. I’ve had conversations with friends who had it the other way around and they had very long ethnic surnames, and it’s interesting how they’ve experienced discrimination, maybe with job applications and that sort of thing, before people have met them.

So yeah, it’s mixed. I’ve grown up very middle class, university-educated, so have also enjoyed a lot of privileges in life. But I definitely have that unique perspective that being bi-cultural gives you on two different cultures.

Can you tell us about the work you do?

I’m a social worker and I’ve worked in a lot of different fields. I have worked before in family violence response services, particularly working with men who have perpetrated violence.

The job that I’m now doing is sort of a continuation of that, but different. I am now working more ‘upstream’, looking at what we need to change in society to stop violence from happening in the first place.

Responding to violence through support services is still really important, because family violence is still obviously happening so much, unfortunately. But if we keep just responding to it, then the problem will keep persisting.

But we can actually work to stop violence from happening in the first place. It is preventable.

My little part in the big project of prevention is workforce development. I help other people doing work on the ground across Australia, in a range of different settings, by delivering training, communities of practice and other capacity-building and knowledge translation activities.

It is the first time I’ve kind of stepped back from the frontlines with people. And it’s enabled me to move to a beautiful remote location with my family in NSW, because all my work is online. Four or five times a year I might have to fly somewhere for work for a few days, but most of the time it’s online.

That sounds like really interesting and important work. What were the turning points in your life that led you to focus on the prevention of violence?

I was a super-sensitive little boy when I was growing up. I often got teased for being a ‘mummy’s boy’. Our society often teases boys who are soft, or gentle, or have a close relationship to their mothers.

I remember from a young age, getting these messages from society that I was somehow lesser-than, and having that bi-cultural experience also gave me an outsider perspective. Iranian culture is not perfect, obviously, but I love how in Iranian culture men hold hands, they hug, they kiss each other. There’s none of that name-calling, like ‘oh, you’re a poof, you’re a fag.’

I grew up in an Australian school where I was called all those things, all the time, and like, I just didn’t get it. It was horrible and violent and relentless.

As I got older I saw that, not only was that attitude harmful for me, but I could see how it was harmful for other boys. All these boys and men are acting like this is the way we need to be, even though that way doesn’t seem to be very good for many people.

For me, a real turning point was that when I was about 16 my best friend was sexually assaulted and I supported her through the aftermath of that. Seeing how the so-called justice system ended up actually being worse and more of a violation to her than the actual assault itself, well it just blew my mind. I thought, more people need to talk about how wrong this is, especially men because I could see how the problem came largely from men.

So it was at that point that I made a really concrete commitment in my mind. I thought, ‘okay I am going to do something about this’. I had no idea what or how, though.

When you asked me what I do for work and how I would explain it, I’d say I work with people who all have the same question: how can we get more men to care enough about ending violence against women? What makes them care enough to actually do something? Then we try to make sure they are doing good stuff and not stuff that’s harmful.

So that’s the other part of my job. I get to think about that a lot and think about how we can mobilise people and society, especially men, to prevent violence against women and gender-based violence more broadly.

What role do you think reading together plays in having healthy relationships and happy families?

There’s so many programs and books out there that teach people – and especially men – about what pregnancy and birth mean for women, and child-raising and breastfeeding and all those things we experience as new parents.

It’s so important for men especially to learn, so we can get out of our own heads a bit. We know from research that the new parent period is one of the highest risk periods for violence and I guess that’s partly because – and I’ve experienced this myself – you’ve got to get used to the fact that you are not your partner’s primary focus anymore. Some days it feels like you don’t get any attention or any love. And I can see how a lot of guys, some more than others, take that personally.

Anything we can do as parents, and especially as fathers, to connect with children and to help build those attachments – to create security, safety, love – is really important.

I just think knowing more about that, about what your children are interested in, and about what your partner needs, puts you in a better mindset. It helps you do everything you can to support your partner and to build those loving bonds and connections with your children.

Looking back on your own childhood, what memories do you have about reading and story-telling in your family?

Actually, it’s a bit sad, I don’t remember my dad ever reading to me. I barely remember my mum reading to me.

My grandmother on my mum’s side couldn’t speak English, so we struggled to even have a conversation. My mum’s family are Baha’i and my grandmother said all these prayers in Farsi, which was kind of beautiful. I learnt to speak broken Farsi through that.

The only memory I do have of reading together is with my sister. She’s nine years older than me and she was great. She would often read to me. My earliest memories are of crawling into bed with her at bedtime and her reading Enid Blyton’s classic, ‘The Faraway Tree’. I just remember what an incredible, mystical world that was. For me it was so thrilling and exciting. I’m just really thankful to my sister for reading to me as a kid.

We listened to a lot of tapes actually, a lot of audio cassettes in the car. My dad was a big Ted Egan fan. Ted Egan’s a story-teller, so I grew up with those very Aussie stories about the outback, about drovers and bushrangers and that sort of thing. Even though my dad didn’t directly read to me, I definitely got that out of all those long car drives when we listened to the same 3 or 4 cassettes over and over again.

What do you enjoy reading now, as an adult?

I’m a real nerd and for a long time now I’ve preferred non-fiction. I read a lot more non-fiction than fiction.

The last book I read was called The Biggest Estate on Earth. It’s all about the incredible land management practices in Australia that were visible even to the European settlers at the time of first settlement. Essentially it describes the fact that the entire continent was managed by Indigenous people, with no machinery or technology but with an incredibly intimate knowledge of the ecology.

As a father, what do you enjoy about reading with your children?

I just love reading with my children.

My kids are five and three years old, and anyone with children that age will know they are hectic ages. So the thing I love about reading is that we can be in utter chaos and at the mere mention of a book, suddenly calm descends.

They’re excited, they’re absorbed. They sit next to me. My youngest sits on my lap and snuggles in and holds my finger. It’s just so beautiful and close. I just love how calming it is. They get transfixed and they get taken to another place, and I love that aspect of it.

I love the learning together. I love the questions that come from books. I hear the questions they ask and I think, wow you are thinking really deeply and paying attention and remembering things. We can be out in the world and something will happen, and they’ll link that to a book we read six months ago. I love being a part of that journey and what books provide.

It’s also just really fun! I love reading with a bit too much enthusiasm, like putting on voices for characters and acting it out, and laughing together. It’s really fun and it’s a great way to connect.

The books that are out for kids these days are amazing, on so many great topics, on social issues, around personal issues, around body autonomy, around Indigenous issues, and so many Indigenous stories, there’s just so many great titles. There’s more books out there than there is time to read them!

It’s great that you enjoy it so much. But some people feel like it’s a chore.

What are your top 3 tips to make reading with children more enjoyable?

Pick books that you like. I’ll be honest: I love reading, but there’s some kids’ books I don’t like at all. But sometimes they are the books my kids like. So I might return them to the library a bit quicker than usual, because I don’t want to keep reading them.

If you’re going to buy a book, maybe read through it first and ask yourself, am I going to be happy reading this every night for the next three months? You need to be able to enjoy the books, you need to be able to believe in them.

Make it a routine. It’s great when it’s part of a bedtime routine. For us, the kids know they get three books before bed. It just really helps motivate them when you need it at that time of night, at the witching hour.

And have fun! Turn it into play.

The more time you have for it, the better, so you are not just rushing through. Then you will enjoy it more.

Thank you so much Cameron!

For books to get kids talking about gender and relationships, check out Best Books for Tricky Topics.

For immediate help with family violence, go to 1800 Respect.

For immediate mental health support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.