In Australia, First Nations people have nurtured children and families for thousands of years. The deep connection to country and to community has always made parents strong.

Tanya Davis, a proud Bundjalung woman, has worked for many years to support strong families. She is a mother, grandmother, child wellbeing expert, executive coach, and much more.

She talked with us about how First Nations parents stay strong in the face of trauma and other daily challenges, plus she shared her own childhood memories of escaping into reading.

 

Content note: This story includes mention of trauma, colonisation and family violence.

Thank you very much Tanya for taking the time to speak with me today.

To start with, how do you describe your identity and background?

I identify as First Nations. I’m an Aboriginal woman coming from Bundjalung country. I identify as female and I also identify as a victim survivor.

I am also a ‘seeker’. I am a seeker for truth, I am a seeker for justice, I am a seeker for fairness. Always moving forward. Always moving.

I’m a Bundjalung woman so I grew up on the north coast of New South Wales. I grew up in a place called Murwillumbah, which is about 30 minutes from Tweed Heads. I actually grew up in a place called Kynnumboon.

Tell us about the work you do.

I do a lot of different roles. I work full-time as a Practice Leader at the Centre for Excellence in Child and Family Welfare. I’ve been there for 18 months.

I’ve always worked in the family and community sector, for about 25 years, like in child protection, Centrelink, non-government agencies. But always in the same kind of role, always working with families.

I’m also a life-coach. That’s my side-hustle. I’ve got my own business going. As part of that role, I work for an organisation called Murri Matters. I do a lot of their coaching for First Nations up-and-coming and entrepeneurs. Or people working in the government sector who want to go to the next level; I do executive coaching for them.

In the other arm of my business, I am doing workshops and keynote speaking. I am just moving into that area a little bit more.

I also do some parent coaching for a lady that does play therapy. She’s a counsellor and psychologist for kids. Whenever they need me, I will go in and do a workshop or two.

I am also a grandmother. I have five grandchildren, including two that live with me. I’ve had them for fourteen years; they’re now fourteen and sixteen years old. So I kind of did the whole second-parent thing again. And I’ve got three other grandchildren who live with their respective mums.

Can you talk about the challenges faced by First Nations parents and carers today?

That’s a huge and very loaded question. Where do I start?!

The first thing I want to point out is that I still believe Australia holds most First Nations and Aboriginal people in a view of deficit. It’s a belief that we are not good enough, that we go wandering off, that we can’t do this and we can’t do that.

I think until the wider community sees, well actually we, like, I have been around for 60,000-plus years and I actually know what the hell I’m talkin’ about…until then it might stay that way.

Think of the analogy of an elephant being compared to a monkey: the elephant can’t climb the tree and so some say they are dumb and stupid and not good enough. Like, don’t compare us to the European way of doing things because it’s not our way of doing things. That’s why we are seen in deficit, because we are being compared to a system that’s not fair for us.

What I work on with people day-to-day is, how do we sit in trauma? This is really the work that I do, both in my personal life and my professional life. It’s about how we work with people in trauma.

Unfortunately, because of what’s happened with colonisation and the rest of it, First Nations people have a lot of trauma. We have a lot of intergenerational trauma.

Our great-grandparents were put through some really hard circumstances. The fallout was that our mums, our dads, our aunties and uncles were cut off and divided and didn’t know how to raise their kids within the traditions.

So we now have these adults – like my child, because obviously I am raising grandkids for a reason – who struggle to be able to manage their own emotions and their own trauma history and still do the best for their children.

We’re having these kids come through who have not only the intergenerational trauma, but also trauma from addicted parents, from family violence, you name it. It’s like this multitude of things coming at people.

And then that just adds to the perception of deficit in Aboriginal people. People think, ‘Oh they can’t raise kids because they’re all drinking and they’re all fighting and all that’. Which isn’t right, which isn’t true.

I think something that’s held us up is that we don’t have a common language, we don’t have one common way of doing things, because we’ve all got our different countries within the one country of Australia. So what works on my country for ceremony, for men’s business and women’s business, my language, all those things, is totally different to what happens here [in Wurundjeri Woi-Wurrung country]. We don’t have that commonality. So people who aren’t us really struggle to see how we all fit in.

You have explained those challenges so clearly. Thank you. On the other hand, what strengths and skills do you see First Nations families using to raise children?

What I see is love.

The love for each other, the love for their grandkids, the love for their community. I work with a lot of First Nations people and their love of community – which is inclusive of all of those bits – is significant.

I think being able to spend time with each other is a real strength. It’s grandparents being able to spend time with their grandkids, parents being able to spend time with their little kids, kids having time with other kids – away from devices! – it’s connection. That’s probably my big word for that.

There’s so much connection happening. And when it’s happening well, you can see the healing happening.

When it’s in disconnection, through addiction or through family violence or whatever that is for them, you can see the repercussions – not just on the people in the intimate partner relationship, but out to the community. It trickles out.

It’s also connection to the land, to the country, to the spirit.

In your experience, does reading books together help families?

I think reading is like this foundational skill that brings people together and helps grow connection. It helps form a connection and then grow that connection.

I think I kind of miss that with my two grandkids, because they’re more independent now. They read a lot, but by themselves of course.

It just brings this warmth to everything. There’s nothing like sitting on the bed and reading to kids – whether it be your kids or your grandkids, or nieces or nephews. The joy that it brings is huge. Not just to the kids, but by virtue of them experiencing joy, then we experience joy.

We see that sparkle in their eyes when they’re hearing something that’s really interesting or novel or magical, that big, wide-eyed stuff. That’s amazing. When they say ‘Tell me more, tell me what happens next’, it’s beautiful to experience that.

For little kids, getting reading as one of the foundational skills can help that child change their life.

Is that what it was like for you? Were books and reading important in your childhood?

That is such a great question. My childhood wasn’t great. Reading, for me, was a such an escape away from the reality of my childhood.

I don’t quite remember when I learned to read. When I started primary school, I think I picked up reading really quickly. From a really young age, like maybe seven, I was reading on my own.

I just remember always having books. I was reading stories like Black Beauty and then going into the Enid Blyton books like The Magic Faraway Tree. I thought it was amazing. For me, it was this amazing escapism.

Then I quickly moved on to the Chronicles of Narnia and the Silver Brumby, the more advanced novels that had sets to them. By high school, I would have been reading one of those big, thick books or a romance novel every couple of days.

I was mostly reading alone. The only times I read with others or for anything other than pleasure was in class. You know how you have to read the ones on the school list? But I’ve always been a reasonably fast reader, compared to the peers I had at the time, so I’d be like pages ahead of where they were. But that’s kind of how I escaped as well.

I remember reading with my elder sister. She actually brought me books. She supplied me with so many books – beautiful books! I can remember the Black Stallion book, it was this beautiful book of drawings and the pictures were just amazing. I don’t know if she ever read with me, but she would gift me books.

I don’t recall ever reading with my family, actually. But reading took me to another world. Where I needed to be. It let me experience what love and family and kindness – and also magic – could be.

It let me experience my own imagination. It’s like the author is just painting the pictures with the words, then it’s just up to our imagination.

How about now, as an adult: what type of books do you enjoy reading?

I’ve got these sets of books that I re-read. And it’s usually around fantasy and magic. I think we don’t have enough magic in our lives. I’ve just got these core books that I re-read probably once a year and go down that journey.

Right now, I always have three or four books on the go at one time. They are books about self-help and self-improvement. Like I’ve got Gabor Mate’s book When the body says no;  I’ve got Ultimate You: Quest Edition, and The Body Keeps the Score. I’ve just got them all here.

I’m really involved in The Alchemist at the moment. It’s not a big book, but I’m really loving it. I’m halfway through it and I’m hoping to finish it tonight because it’s Friday night, so I can read until late.

The one book that I’m reading that’s really challenging at the moment is called I am that. It’s written by an Indian author. You read a paragraph and you’ve got to stare at the wall for about five minutes and just go, ‘I’ve got to think about that for a bit’. It’s intense, but I am enjoying it. I’ve had it going for about a month, but I’ve only done about 20 pages.

Going back to thinking about children, what are your top 3 tips for First Nations parents and carers to have strong, healthy families?

The first top tip is: heal yourself, before you try to heal anybody else. Healing is an inside job. You have to take it seriously.

Remember: this too shall pass. My mother gave me that way of thinking, and whatever it is that’s facing you will not be forever, it will pass. Whether you’re on this amazing journey, or down in the dumps and broke, at rock bottom, well this too shall pass. That’s life; it’s full of ups and downs.

I just learnt something the other day and I just love it. I found out about it from Peter Crone, who’s one my sort-of gurus. The word ‘abra-cadabra’ is an ancient Hebrew word – I don’t know if you knew that, but I didn’t – and it means: ‘I create as I speak’. Isn’t that so good?

My second top tip is: don’t take anything too seriously. As much as you can, live for the moments. We all go to work and we all have bills, and it can all get really stressful. So try to find the joy. Don’t take it too seriously – just live for the moment.

For me, and I suggest for parents, gratitude works. If life is really sucky – and believe me, I’ve been there, I’ve been through the wringer of life at times – if you can find one or two things to be grateful for, that will help.

Whether that be that you have a hot cup of coffee, or that you woke up breathing…it doesn’t have to be big things, right? The sun might be shining, or it might be raining and watering the grass. Try and just think differently about it and be grateful for it.

My third tip is: get back to country. As often and as fast as you can, get back to country as much as you can. Put your feet in the dirt and sit on the ground, and embrace your country. Let your spirit be free on country.

Take your kids with you, to country, and tell them stories about it. Because how are they going to learn? If you don’t tell them stories about how the river got created or how the mountain got created or whatever the stories are for your country, they won’t know. Tell them the stories.

We’re oral people. We never kept books or records, except for our paintings. So tell your stories. It doesn’t even have to be stories about country; you can make them up.

If you can tie it to country, that’s beautiful, but if you don’t know the country – because we are still suffering the effects of the Stolen Generation – just tell some stories about your happy times.

Share stories about when they were born. Kids absolutely love to hear their birth story and how amazing it was when they were born. Or their first birthday stories.

Tell them stories about themselves, about their grandparents, about their great-grandparents, about an aunty, about a wallaby they might see on the road. Anything like that.

Thank you so much Tanya!

For more information, check out Murri Matters and The First Story Tellers.

For immediate help with family violence, go to 1800 Respect.

For immediate mental health support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.